My husband brought home a much younger woman to live with us just 6 months after I gave birth to our second child. He met her at work when our firstborn was about a year and a half old. Our sex life was far from exciting or even existing, quite some time before the first child (we were together for 19 years at the time).

So, I agreed to have an open relationship and allowed him to go have fun. Long story short, he fell in love. And so did she. “I want to have a threesome family,” he said. “Let’s try. I still love you and don’t want to leave you but I also want her.”

I met her. I could instantly see why he was so hooked – young, smart, yoga teacher, funny. I told him, I don’t mind if he saw her but I will not agree to the threesome family experiment. He said, “fine”. We had another child. Sex stopped completely. They kept seeing each other. 

One night he asked me “Can she spend the night here, instead of me going out?” I said “fine”. She spent the night and the day and then the next night and day. Then she brought her cat and a few bags. I realized she was moving in and he didn’t even bother to discuss this with me beforehand. 

Busy with a baby and a toddler, my days just passed by. Soon it was a month or two after we started living together. She requested in the very beginning that he sleep in one bedroom with her every night or she will not be happy and will leave. He agreed…

This is when I realized that everything was over. 

We were now just roommates, raising children and paying bills together. One-on-one time and intimacy were scarce with the two children even before the “new family member”. With her, they simply stopped to exist. He gave her all his male energy and attention and all of a sudden I was simply the “mommy” praised with an occasional cold kiss, a lethargic hug, shallow eye contact, and endless conversations about work or kids. 

My heart ached. I “saw” in my mind how my entire heart chakra area cracked into a dark black opening. I was overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, guilt, shame, and resentment, often escalating into a wild rage. I had to keep myself together and push everything deep inside because of the children. I was breastfeeding.

I did not have a job at the time or any other income, I did not have a place to live if I moved out. The older child barely made it to daycare because of frequent ill time and there was at least another year to pass by before the baby got accepted to daycare himself. I felt I was placed in a dead-end situation with no other choice but to stay where I am. I unlocked Hashimoto.  

The morning of my 38 birthday, 2 months after she moved in, I woke up with Covid. I felt extremely tired. I had a high temperature and fever, and no sense of smell. To my surprise though, I also had an extreme clarity of my mind and an extrasensory feeling of higher awareness all around me. I felt my inner peace and divine guidance in such a strong way that I could not bypass it or deny it. My entire inner being was speaking to me loudly, telling me to let go. 

“ Don’t set expectations, let them be. It is all for a good reason. You haven’t been happy in this relationship for a long time anyway. You know that something way better is in front of you but you need to let go and let it in.”

My husband took the children out to give me some time to take a rest from the fever. I lay down and meditated for a while, letting the strong divine message I received fully sink in. All of a sudden I felt a very strong presence around me. I felt so excited and invigorated for a moment like I was experiencing a “love at first sight”. Only that I was in my bed in the threesome family house with a Covid on my birthday. 

When I got up I noticed another amazing thing –  my body felt so light and airy and energized even though I still had a high temperature. Normally my body is very stiff and a lot of my parts hurt all the time, to the point that I am just used to it. And at this moment, I did not feel ANY pain in my body, not the knees, not the shoulders, not the neck, not the lower back. I almost felt like air, like I didn’t have a body at all…

This, however, was just a glimpse of what was possible and ahead of me if I chose to let go. Easier said than done. I quickly came back to my old mindset of a betrayed middle-aged woman with two children and a goofy husband. It took me another 9 months and a lot of determination to clear up my mind and to settle in the situation. Or so I thought. However, I did not leave. I stayed there lying to myself that I had no other choice, that it would be easier for me to raise two young kids if I had their support. I crashed into two opposites constantly.

One day I felt at peace watching them, being by myself, looking forward to the future. The other day I would feel angry and sad and disappointed all over again. Sometimes I would feel hope that maybe there is going back and that maybe we could after all create the strong and loving family that I longed for. 

Then, one night I had the most awful dream I ever had

I wouldn’t even dare to share it or write it down. It was vivid and it was the night, just a few hours after, a powerful new moon in Aries, overlapping with the first day of Spring. I knew it was important and I couldn’t just pretend it didn’t happen. 

The day after the dream I felt very sad and all my past feelings of the, apparently, still unresolved conflict with my husband, powered over me. It was also HIS birthday. On top of that, after my dream, every time I saw her or I saw them together I felt a strong sickness in my stomach. I was very perplexed. I knew intuitively that this dream was to show me my greatest fears. 

I also read a bit about the astrological and spiritual meaning of this powerful new moon and to no surprise it was associated with: “bringing up to the surface dramas we are still holding on to so that we can fully heal them.” 

I realized this dream was a glimpse into a future where I was still holding on to my sadness and despair. Isn’t the Divine amazing?

My intuition and divine guidance showed me glimpses of my future on the crossroad I was hanging on for a while. It was time for a decision. I have already taken mine but apparently, I still needed help to fully let go and move on without regrets and bad feelings. Yet, I was still frozen and unable to leave. I still had a little hope in the back of my head that this could work out, that the three of us could be happy. At the same time, I knew that this was insane.

I stayed in this limbo for 2 years!

I am finally detached from my pain, from my broken dreams and dramas.  I have my eyes fixed on the light ahead of me. Without regret, no more judgment, no more fear. Only clarity and determination. 

For the first time, I feel perfect, whole, and complete within myself. For the first time, I no longer see myself in my mind as the scared, sad little girl looking up to her higher self for guidance and comfort. I now see myself AS the higher divine self, embracing and caring for its inner child. 

I even met the person whose presence I felt during my COVID birthday! He exists!

How I did  that? I am not going to lie to you. It was a hard and painful journey. I worked a lot with EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). I became an EFT therapist myself and I also created a short workbook where I collected a lot of my insights and steps I took toward rebuilding my heart with grace. 

I now feel a strong calling to help other women who are still at a crossroad and in pain from a heartbreak. 

So, if you also feel that you need a little support and you feel overwhelmed figuring it all out by yourself, don’t hesitate to connect with me. 

 

 

I know that YOU too are capable of reclaiming your inner happiness and changing the direction of YOUR life.

Are you ready to take on a 21-day accelerated heartbreak recovery adventure with me?